The end of your relationship, even if the end was bad, does not mean that your love was meaningless. Your love has meaning even if your beloved was not worthy of your love. To understand this is to begin to set your deepest self towards the path of healing.
When you say ‘There is no love’, then you are indeed unable to see the love within you.
Love begets love and cynicism breeds isolation. To break free from this spiral of negativity, you have to love again. You are waiting for a reason to love. Why should I love again, you ask (consciously or subconsciously).
But you have it all wrong. The problem is that you have always wanted a reason for love. A focus for your love, an external source of love. But love is within you and has always been within you.
Of course, we live in a time where the greatest truths have become clichés and when I say look for love within yourself some of you may dismiss the idea as a New Age cliché that means nothing. Keep an open mind and ask yourself this question: When you fall in love, where is the emotion and feeling coming from? From you, surely.
Yes, you feel that your love is for another, and therefore somehow this emotion belongs to the other. It is true that the other person evoked this feeling within you. But he or she was just the catalyst.
Once the spark of love was ignited, by the presence of the other, you begin to feel that you will feel this only when you’re with the other person. What you need is another catalyst, another spark, to ignite the love that is within you and this time you will not make the mistake of believing that the love you feel is from the other person. You will know that love is a gift from the universe to each one of us, and ultimately, at our very core, each one of us is love.
But because we don’t know this, we seek perfect love and acceptance everywhere, and each time we fail to get it, we believe that we must look again. Heartbreak is an opportunity for you to stop looking for love and to begin the process of loving yourself again.
To feel and connect with your own core of love, work through the exercises for healing the body, then work through painful emotions such as fear, loneliness and shame. You are then ready to connect with love.
There was a time when you felt good about yourself. You felt accepted for who you were. You did not think of yourself in terms of good and bad – in fact, you didn’t think of yourself at all. Your every need was taken care of, and you felt warm and secure.
We have all experienced pure bliss in our mother’s womb. You don’t consciously remember the experience, but somewhere within you is the emotional memory of being bathed in warm fluid, your every need taken care, of being accepted and of feeling utterly at peace with yourself. Before you were born (and for a while after), you had no idea of yourself as an individual. You and the universe were one, united in bliss.
Vedanta tells us that you are the universe – pure, timeless, eternal and complete – and that you can connect with your true nature through meditation and contemplation. On the other hand, you are also an individual. A person with a name, an appearance, a personality, and with a role to play in society.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase ‘each other’ doesn’t make any sense.
When ‘you’ are hurt, Vedanta tells us, it is only the idea of you, the individual self, that is hurt by heartbreak.
Your individual self believes that you need the other for happiness. It is scared of being alone. Your mind is misled by desire and fear, and tricks you into feeling that you are incomplete without her/him.
But, our ancient texts remind us, you can connect with your real self – not who you think you are, not the name you attach to yourself, not your job, or your looks or your body.
Your true self is beyond desire, and fear, and attachment.
Your true self then cannot be hurt.
Your true self is the eternal, timeless, cosmic self, one that exists beyond judgement, beyond right and wrong, good and bad. It is always blissful.
Your true self is love, peace and happiness.
Western psychologists approached this differently. They studied the individual and explored questions about what makes us unique.
The East explored the cosmic timeless self, and the West explored the mortal individual self.
In order to truly transform from the experience of heartbreak, connect with both – the individual that you are and the eternal bliss that you are, always were and always will be.