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The world is brimming with great men.

You might bump into a boy at the bookstore, who bonds with you over your mutual love for Tom Clancy’s classics; you might meet him at your favourite bar, where he buys you a glass of expensive wine and a plate of bacon fries; or you might even meet him while on your morning run, wearing matching speedos and matching heart rates. Like I said, the world is brimming with great men. [Read now: The Gay Man’s Guide to Dating]

But for every Prince Charming that you want to ensnare for the rest of your life, there are a hundred frogs lazing around in this pond of decently dateable men. They are the fuckboys, the fanatics and the freaks – bratty boys you’d rather brush over, mean men you shouldn’t mingle with and despicable dudes you need to take a detour from.

How do you separate the frogs from the foie gras of fancy boys? It’s simple – by making sure you stay cautious of the guy who:

  1. Boasts about having a day for triceps at the gym. Maybe he could try having a day for his personality instead?
  2. Does not know the difference between Your and You’re.

You don’t want to get confused whether he’s calling you an ass, or asking for it.

  1. Says #SorryNotSorry

And the unfortunate bit is that he probably means it, too.

  1. Boasts about never having read a book in his life.

But tells you that his favourite book is Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist.

  1. Does not want to use a condom, because ‘skin to skin is so much more intimate…’ Do you know what is not intimate? Living with an STD for the rest of your life.
  2. Counts his calories during meals.

I’ve already had about 800 calories today, and that’s only breakfast.

  1. Talks about his ex on the first date. And the second one. And the third one.
  2. Doesn’t think that global warming is real.

And neither is his probability of dating you.

  1. Likes his own pictures on Facebook.
  2. Takes a gym selfie every day. Unless you plan to create a flipbook of your transformation, this is probably not a good idea.
  3. Calls himself an intellectual.

But then still sends you a message five minutes later, asking for a ‘dick pic’.

  1. Thinks that two glasses of sangria is enough validation to get into bed with you. Try five glasses, two pints of beer and a shot of jäger.
  2. Starts a sentence with the words ‘But I know what’s good for you…’
  3. Calls himself emotionally damaged. He also probably expects you to call and check up on him every night.
  4. Wears crocs when it’s not raining.

That sound you hear when you walk around? That’s the sound of my heart getting squished at the sight of your shoes.

  1. Wears sunglasses at night.

Like Larry David once famously said, ‘You know who wears sunglasses at night? Blind people and douchebags.’

  1. Snds yu msgs lyk dis.

Think about it this way, every time you misspell a word on purpose, a baby seal dies.

  1. Litters on the road like it’s no big deal.

The only thing that needs to be littered is his dirty heart. But use a dustbin, please.

  1. Asks you for your Facebook password. …but would he give you his in return?
  2. Gives a fake name at Starbucks. …And then sniggers when the barista calls out for Jon Snow. Someone needs to be sent to the Wall.
  3. Uses #TBT on every day but a Thursday.
  4. Claims to be a vegan.

But thinks that fish really doesn’t count as meat.

  1. Thinks it’s funny to use the word ‘Feminazi’.

The only thing funnier than that is my diet.

  1. Texts you like he’s live tweeting. ‘Hello!’

‘Good morning!’ ‘What are you doing?’

‘How’s lunch?’ ‘Are you back home from work?’

‘Hello?’

‘Good night!’

‘Hello?’

  1. Cancels plans more than once a week.

Unless he’s saving a life or saving the world, he has no reason to.

  1. Thinks he’s in an open relationship when you don’t. There’s a more commonly used word for that – it’s called ‘cheating’.
  2. Shows up at dates half an hour late and doesn’t even apologize.
  3. Calls you ‘babes’. You see that tremor that flickers on my face? That’s not out of love.
  4. Does not like ice cream, and looks down on you for loving it. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
  5. Snapchats every moment of his life. Even when he’s in the bathroom. Including a video of him reading this list.
  6. Asks for gluten-free pizza at the pizzeria.

Time to ask for the cheque and leave as soon as you can.

  1. Uses the words ‘Sane and sorted’ to describe himself on his dating profile. But blocks you when you ask him what he does for a living.
  2. Tags his picture with #UglyAF when he looks like he just did a photo shoot with GQ magazine. You can probably count his abs as he complains about how unattractive he feels.
  3. Can’t decide whether he’s a Beyoncé or a Madonna.

He’s most probably a Miley Cyrus.

  1. Casually asks you for your credit card details.

It’s time to casually call the cops.

  1. Thinks that shopping at clearance sales is beneath him. Do you know one thing that will never be beneath him any more? You.
  2. Puts up a picture with that says #WokeUpLookingLikeThis.

#NoYouDidn’t.

  1. Talks rudely to the waitstaff.

If he thinks talking politely to the bartender who’s serving him his fifth drink is not worth his time, he’s probably not worth yours.

  1. Owns a selfie stick.
  2. Signs off his emails with an inspirational quote that he fished off the Internet. Are we living in 2002 again? Keep it simple, crisp and end it with your last name. And then we can end up together in bed.
  3. Says that he has ‘game’. The only people who say that they have game are the ones who don’t.
  4. Says that he needs a detox from love. You need a detox from him.
  5. Uses the word ‘bae’ in conversation and isn’t ironic about it. Unless he’s a seventeen-year-old. In which case, why are you dating him in the first place?
  6. Dresses up sexily for the gym. While I really appreciate that your trainers match your gym shorts, can I use the treadmill now, please?
  7. Asks you which Kardashian sister you are.

Not that anyone’s asking, but I am Khloe.

  1. Only texts you post 2 a.m.

When he wants to meet you post two a.m., the chances of ‘wanting to get you some Chinese takeover’ being the reason are pretty low.

  1. Says that he hates kids, pets and old people. Somethings should never be said out loud.
  2. Does not end his sentences with a full stop.

That kind of uncertainty is not good for anyone’s health; maybe you should end the relationship with one.

  1. Has an Instagram page for his dog, and he’s the only follower. Woofer and he are celebrating their two-year anniversary with a Boomerang. Wait, weren’t you invited to the party?
  2. Decides the kinds of boys he wants to date based on lists he read in a book. Unless the list has been written by a really good-looking author who’s also a great kisser.

Read the complete book here

DESSERTS (1)

One Comment

  1. Malisa / September 6, 2017 at 9:52 pm /Reply

    Hi,

    The first date of my life is a remembering day and will carry these sweet memories whole day long.

    After reading this post, all my memories come back again,

    Thanks for writing such amazing post.

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