It could come as a shock, but for me, the most important component a couple indulging in BDSM needs is love. Yeah. It’s really not completely about sex. Only if you love someone, in the way the French call Amour Fou or mad love, can you agree and consent to be equal partners in this twisted game of love. And isn’t consent so sexy? When your lover says, tie me up baby, just because they want to feel you slide up their body without asking you to stop, even when it feels like they could explode — isn’t that just exquisitely divine?
It’s love and consent that really drive BDSM, and never the urge to hurt someone or make them do what they don’t want to. It’s really about going deeper into what you both want and pushing boundaries. If one is a Dominant and another a Submissive, it’s because they have voluntarily chosen those roles and they trust the other to not take advantage of them.
In my book, All Tied Up, Zain overwhelms Anika, with his need for BDSM, but as they both fall in love, and he becomes gentler with her, Anika starts to change her mind.
She has never known sex like this, and it’s filling up all her senses. This man that she is falling deeply in love with knows how to touch her in ways that she has never been touched, and it’s blowing her mind. She too wants to explore his body, and have him go deep into her, as he bites her lower lip again and again. They are bruised and sore, but they are happy.
Sometimes, BDSM is not even about the main act. It’s about building up the tension and the inciting excitement. Imagine being tied up to the bed, as your man or lady, smothering you with kisses, or stroking you with a feather, or fingering you till you can’t feel your physical body anymore. Sometimes, it about role play, and dressing up and pretending you are away in a different land, where you are the sexy nurse, and he is the naughty patient. I am sure you can dream up of better scenarios — maybe have sex in a space station, floating around? The sky is the limit with BDSM, and if you know and trust the person you are with, there is nothing better than being All Tied Up.